Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Learning to Heal

Several months ago, I wrote of a trial that Husband and I were going through. At that point in our lives, it was something that prayer was healing, but we weren't ready to talk about.

The last several weeks I've been struggling with this trial and what is meant for my. And I've learned that talking about it and remembering that God is with me through it all has made it so much easier.

Husband and I lost a baby in February by D & C 2 days before my 30th birthday. At the time, only 2 people knew that we were pregnant; our families did not. What was supposed to be a joyous time for us to unveil this news, turned into a heartbreaking time of loss and sorrow. We were nearing 12 weeks when we found out that our baby had gone home to be with Jesus.

Our faith was strong then and continues to be strong and we rest in that faith knowing that God needed our baby in Heaven before we did here on earth. We find comfort in knowing that God is rocking our sweet little one and surrounding our little one with so much love and we know that someday we too will be reunited with our sweet baby in Heaven.

We've had wonderful blessings in our lives since then and we know that God continues to guide and provide. But, there is still pain. Still sorrow. Still tears. Still questions.

Our Sunday School class has been studying the story of Mary, Martha and Lazarus in the book of John and how Mary and Martha both questioned Jesus when Lazarus died. But, even though their questions were voiced and God patiently listened, they still professed to Jesus that they knew His ultimate will would be carried out. And I'm trying to be like Mary and Martha; able to voice my hurts and fears and worries, but also able to profess the almighty that Jesus is.

I've screamed and I've cried out all those questions that have not been answered. And God has been patient and listened. And in the end, He has comforted. I know that He is in control. I know that He has all the answers, many of which I will never know. I know that He loves me. And I know that His will is being done.

And so I wait. Wait for His guidance. Wait for His direction. Wait for His continued comfort.

And I try to remember that I have hope. But it still sometimes hurts.


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11 comments:

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the lingering heartache.

I lost our first baby, beginning to miscarry the weekend we shared the news with our families, and on mothers day, no less. I remember the ache that just wouldn't go away, and I pray that you will continue to share your heart with God, knowing He wants to comfort you.

There is nothing about this that is easy, but I pray you feel God's peace in the midst of it.

Queen B said...

I pray that God will continue to comfort you. :)

Beachy Mimi said...

I'm so sorry, Amy. The heartache is gut-wrenching. I know God will bless you for your faithfulness.

Deanne said...

I pray that you would know God's peace as you move through this difficult time. May the Lord use this brief little life to draw you closer to Him.

Cheryl said...

Amy,
I want you to know that I'm praying for you. I lost a baby last Oct. and even though I have 3 beautiful healthy children, I desperately wanted that one! But for some reason, it wasn't part of God's plan for our family. You're right, in that talking about it will help the healing process. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for grieving for this unborn child. People mean well but I know they don't realize how traumatic it can be when they saythings like, "you can always have more children."
If you need a friend, I'm here.

Keepin' It Real said...

Sweet Child of Mine........if there was any way to carry the pain for you, I would do it in a heartbeat. You are so precious, and God loves you so much. Time will make it better, just continue to trust in God to give you peace and understanding. I love you endlessly

Mrs. Jules said...

I have never experienced this kind of loss, but you're so right, Amy. He is in control, no doubt. And He bears our infirmities. I pray for you and your husband's continued healing. Thank you for your courage to share and for being so transparent.

Pattik said...

Amy, I am so sorry.You truely
are a blessing.

fAiThFuL cHiCk said...

So sorry you had to go through this.

I love the last line of your post.

Jenny said...

Thank you for being so honest in sharing you heart with us. God has created an amazing woman in you and I am so thankful that I get to have you in my life. You are both in our prayers always.

Ris said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that the Lord gives you peace. A mother should never have to lose a child, even an unborn one. Blessings to you and your family!